We came home yesterday after a weekend in WI and our last planned event for Henryk’s death. It was very hard coming home. The whole car ride my head swirled. “We can’t go there. He is supposed to be there and he won’t be. He should be there with us and he isn’t. I can’t go back there. He is supposed to be there. He is supposed to be there. He is supposed to be there.” We got home in the evening and quietly unpacked. Lily played by herself. We sat emptily at the table. He’s supposed to be here.

Today was a big day. It was our first day of going back to “normal.” Our first day in over 14 months that didn’t have a significant or full portion dedicated to him and his care. Michael went back to work. I don’t know how to do life anymore. I don’t know how to live without Henryk. This isn’t the way things are meant to be.

All I want to do is sit and stare at pictures but it is just torture. But I don’t want to stop because we now have all the memories of Henryk that we will ever have and if we stop looking at pictures we are afraid we will forget. Then they will be gone.

This is what we are praying: Ephesians 5:18-20. Be filled with the Holy Spirit. Then you will sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs among yourselves, making music to the Lord with your hearts. And you will always give thanks for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.