We went to Wausau last weekend to meet up with my parents for a short visit. The cemetery is in Wausau. We haven’t been there since we buried Henryk.
The cemetery has strange feelings for us. On the one hand, we really don’t feel that much of an attachment to going there because we saw Henryk die and felt so clearly that the part of him that we really knew was gone. His soul that we so deeply connected with was no longer in that body, and so that body didn’t feel like it was Henryk anymore.
However, the day of the funeral, when it actually came to burying him I totally lost it. I mean crying, sobbing, wailing lost it to see him being put in the ground. And last weekend, when we could’ve gone to the cemetery, we felt that again. Even though it isn’t Henryk anymore, it still is the body that was created in and lived inside my own body for 40 weeks. It is still the body that we held for five and a half months and that smelled like Huggies wipes, breast milk, and J.R. Watkins baby lotion.
Everything hard that we have had to do in the past had such a purpose. It was hard but accomplished some thing or another for him. But it isn’t like that anymore. Henryk doesn’t care if we go to the cemetery or not. So four weeks to the day after he died we drove past the cemetery without stopping, and came home. We just couldn’t do it and we didn’t have to.
It reminds me so much of praying for Henryk. One of the most startling things for me after he died was how many times, all day long every day I would start praying for Henryk and then stop because he was dead and I didn’t need to pray for him anymore. It made me realize how very constantly I was crying out to God for him. And then, all of a sudden, that was over. You really can’t pray for your children after they are dead. But the amazing thing about it is that we don’t have to because Henryk is doing just fine. In fact, he’s doing great. And we can still pray to Jesus about how much we miss him, and maybe he’ll tell Henryk for us.
I have been following your blog and keeping you in my prayers. We attend BBC South. My dad is a pastor in Wausau, has been for the last 7 plus years! Where is the cemetary?
May you continue to rest in the shelter of the Almighty…..your refuge, your strong tower.
May God give you the strength you need for each moment of each day. Love you all!
I know that feeling of not needing to continually pray anymore (because God answered your prayers in one way or another). Maybe you could turn those prayers for Henryk’s legacy to continue to glorify God. And that your family and friends would heal in God’s time (though I know you never fully heal – there’s still a tender scar no matter how much time has passed).
Praying for you and your family today.
Dear Michael and Emily, to me the cemetery is only a final resting place for their body. Henryk’s spirit and memories will stay in your hearts for ever and ever. We pray for you each and every day and ask our dear heavenly Father to carry you each and every day. We love you! Sandy Thiel
Hi Michael and Emily I am going to attach a blog that I would like you to read. Danae is a friend of mine who lost her 26 year old son to Glioblastoma this summer. The second section is a posting from a group called Compassionate Friends. This is a group of parents who lost a child. http://www.hischke5.blogspot.com
Sandy Thiel
Emily, I so appreciate this post. How you managed to vocalize both raw grief and great faith in one post, I don’t know, but I love how you blended these two realities. Henryk — really absent, yet really with Jesus. Thank you for this. Praying for you and your family.
Father God, I pray that you will wrap this family in your arms today, holding them close and being their strength and comfort. Thank you for being with them in their times of deepest grief, and for the hope you have given them in Christ. In His name we pray, amen.