We went to Wisconsin this past week for a couple of days. This time, when we came to the cemetery, we didn’t drive past. We stopped. The cemetery is at the top of a hill. We got out of the car and trudged through the snow. We stood with the cold wind whipping on our faces looking at the frozen light blue flowers. A wreath held a laminated card that says “Henryk Otto Thiel.” A broken little family standing over a little grave. His body was really there under that ground.
We stood for a minute and then prayed. Then we said, “Ok, let’s go.” And Lily said, “Ok, let’s go in and see Henryk.” When we had told her earlier in the car we were going to stop she started getting upset. We realized afterwards that she thought we were actually going to see him. She had been working herself up to it. I went in the car and cried while Michael stayed out by the grave and explained things to her yet again. That Henryk’s body is in the ground because it stopped working, but that the other part of him, his soul, is in heaven. She was confused why we weren’t getting him out. Michael explained that we can’t bring him out of the ground. We think she got it, as much as any of us get it.
Today she was playing with a toy phone and said, “I’m looking for Henryk’s soul in the contacts. Oh, here it is, I found it. ‘ Hi Henryk . Merry Christmas to you. See you soon baboon.'”
So many people have been asking us how Lily is doing. We are so thankful that people ask about our Lollipop, our Lilypad, the Pumpkin, the Peanut, the Honey Bunny, the Lilybird, the Scrump Nugget, the Goof Ball.
Lily is moving through the process of healing from the upset to her life and also understanding death. Each day there is a new facet to her perspective. At first she kept thinking Henryk was laying on our bed in our room. She kept saying, “Henryk is in your room,” and we kept telling her that no, he wasn’t, he was gone. Then finally, after she kept saying it, I asked her if she really thought Henryk was in our room. She said, “I know he’s not. But he’s in your room.” She was just trying to figure this out.
Then for a while she thought he went back into my belly and asked him to come out again. When I told her that is not where he was, she wanted him to be in her belly. Then she asked to have more babies so we could be happy again. Yesterday she told us that Splatter, one of her toy trains, was kind of sad because Henryk is gone.
Shortly after Henryk died while we were standing in line at Barnes and Noble a woman and her small son came up in line behind us. Lily started yelling that she wanted the boy to go away. He had to go away. She was so upset we just left. Michael talked to her about it twice afterwards and basically gathered that she didn’t want that other mama to have a boy when her mama couldn’t. She said that mama could stay but the boy had to go.
We have some dear friends who are expecting a boy and when we were telling Lily that there was a baby that would be coming out she said, “The baby boy will come out and then he will die.” We had to explain to her that not all babies die, but that Henryk did because he was sick.
Some days she does really well. She is so sweet and funny and learning so many things quickly. Other days bring pretty emotional melt downs. More emotional than a normal tantrum. Transitions, like leaving home or going from one thing to the next, can be a challenge and need a lot of lead time.
We are just so happy that she is talking to us, and pleased that she can verbalize these things. We figure talking through things is the most helpful for her long term. It has been quite special to be able to focus on her again. She really is a shining star to us.
And we are sure that Christ will redeem both of our children’s lives. The Psalmist describes his grief here: For my life is spent with sorrow, and my years with sighing; my strength fails because of my iniquity, and my bones waste away. (Psalm 31:10) But then Isaiah says: And the ransomed of the Lord shall return and come to Zion with singing; everlasting joy shall be upon their heads; they shall obtain gladness and joy, and sorrow and sighing shall flee away. (Isaiah 35:10)
Diane and Bill Mikolyzk said:
Once again your love and patience astound us…you are such wonderful parents, and you and Lily are so blessed to have one another as family. Time will bring understanding and perhaps even a bit of comfort, but surely the love you show your daughter will be all that can ease the pain of the moment, time and time again. God bless!
kristacoronado said:
I was so happy to see you and Lily tonight. She was taking everything in at the nursery and was having a good time with her friends. I am praying that the Lord will continue to give you wisdom as you all walk through this process. But especially wisdom for parenting Lily, that she may understand what she can and can express to you what she needs. Love to you all!
aimouid said:
Glad you have her and she has you two! God will continue to give you the words and love she needs because you are the best parents for her. 🙂
Kristy De Blaey said:
Michael and Emily,
I continue to pray as your family moves forward each day. Some days are harder than others I have no doubt and I’m sure you are surrounded by memories. Henryk lived a special life, he will hold a special place in your hearts forever, and he is in a very special place now with our Lord. One day you will be reunited with Henryk. Keep the faith, my friends!
Mary Horning said:
Michael and Emily,
You don’t know me, but I’ve been reading and weeping with you. I just heard from Nancy Guthrie that you are attending the respite retreat. My husband and I are attending the retreat as volunteers and are so happy for the opportunity to get to know you. I wish we didn’t have to meet in this way, but I want you to know that your picture is on our frig and we are praying every day that God will meet you with fresh grace and love and peace that weekend. We’ll be praying for Lily too.
teamtabb said:
Thanks for sharing about how Lily’s doing. I’ve been wondering about this and praying for her. She really is a special girl and I’m glad you have her to pour into right now.
The Martins said:
Mike and Emily,
A little while ago we heard from Ricky and Lizzie about Henryk and we are so, so sorry for you. There are no words at a time like this to say how one feels, but please know how sad we are for you. You are such amazing parents, and such amazing friends to Ricky and then Lizzie, and such truly humble, good people. We are so very sorry for your loss and think of you often. You are an inspiration to many in a very sad time. We are blessed to know you. Barb and Dick Martin